im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
