I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
