my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
