awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
