I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
