why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
