you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We are all done wearing pants today
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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