My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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