so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
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I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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