I need to stop coming to work sober
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she told me i tasted like america
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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