I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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