There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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