I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
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