you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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