I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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