I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
