Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
