She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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