I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
