ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
