he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she pinky promised me she was 18
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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