totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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