I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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