i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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