My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
