hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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