Well douche your snatch and let's go!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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