I wish my penis had an off switch
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My liver is preforming stress tests.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
