I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
