I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
