He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
