I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
