New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
