I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
