My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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