dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
