Someone shit on the floor
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich