Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
