How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
