Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
