Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
