When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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