my mouth tastes like poor choices
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
