You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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