Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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