quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
