Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
