i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
