The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
