Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
