Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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