24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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