can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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