he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
