Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
