hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
