i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
